How to protect yourself from a manipulator?
When the manipulator has been identified, RUN FOR SHELTER. And fast. Your life, otherwise, is at risk. Here is what I experienced and helped me to deal with the situation, and to become, in some cases, a support for others.
1) The first thing you need is RECOVERING YOUR ENERGY, keeping fit, then TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Do exercise (it's very invigorating and increases the level of endorphins, physical anti-depressive substances), maintain a healthy diet, take your hours of proper rest (remember that the high stress disorder affects precisely these levels). If you are married with a manipulator or have to work in a situation of mobbing, for the moment try, when possible, to partially put among brackets your responsibilities (to children, family members, colleagues, workplace) and arrange opportunities of relaxation and pleasure (hobbies, music, especially classical one, some good entertainment); also, avoid further stressful situations. Surround yourself with everything that can help you to recover your will to live and a certain optimism: take care of your clothing, of the environment where you live and work, be interested in good food, make some shopping, maybe a little gift to yourself, or a journey, even a short one (I fled from mobbing with a weekend to Barcelona, paid very little thanks to a low-cost airline) or resort to the company of friends and people who support and understand you. In short, try to gain strength and take care of yourself. This will also have an invigorating effect on your self-esteem, convincing you that you deserve consideration and respect.
When the manipulator has been identified, RUN FOR SHELTER. And fast. Your life, otherwise, is at risk. Here is what I experienced and helped me to deal with the situation, and to become, in some cases, a support for others.
1) The first thing you need is RECOVERING YOUR ENERGY, keeping fit, then TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Do exercise (it's very invigorating and increases the level of endorphins, physical anti-depressive substances), maintain a healthy diet, take your hours of proper rest (remember that the high stress disorder affects precisely these levels). If you are married with a manipulator or have to work in a situation of mobbing, for the moment try, when possible, to partially put among brackets your responsibilities (to children, family members, colleagues, workplace) and arrange opportunities of relaxation and pleasure (hobbies, music, especially classical one, some good entertainment); also, avoid further stressful situations. Surround yourself with everything that can help you to recover your will to live and a certain optimism: take care of your clothing, of the environment where you live and work, be interested in good food, make some shopping, maybe a little gift to yourself, or a journey, even a short one (I fled from mobbing with a weekend to Barcelona, paid very little thanks to a low-cost airline) or resort to the company of friends and people who support and understand you. In short, try to gain strength and take care of yourself. This will also have an invigorating effect on your self-esteem, convincing you that you deserve consideration and respect.
2) TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF-ESTEEM. You can make it: simply plan carefully your defense and liberation against mistreatment. Self-esteem will serve you to fight fear and a pessimistic and defeatist vision. Try to observe and appreciate rationally and positively your qualities and capabilities: everyone has many. They are your resources in the fight against stress. List them in detail, insist on the successes you had (M.Troisi said: "I start again from three") and re-read often this "list of qualities", especially in times of discouragement. Be understanding with yourself. Accept yourself. Forgive yourself. Remember what you are: a wonderful person (the fact that you're mistreated by M. is sufficient proof of it).
3) As a result, DELETE FROM YOUR MIND AUTOMATIC NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. We all made negative experiences, especially in childhood, which led us to the repression, the contempt of ourselves, to inhibition. It may happen that, in harsh moments, bad phrases heard re-emerge in our mind like a lightning ("You're a fool", "You don't understand anything," etc.): especially those heard from parents and educators leave a strong impression. Well, these statements are false. They are false because they are expressed in black and white, without appeal. Everyone has moments, often many, when he /she demonstrates intelligence, ability, qualities of various kinds: thus, put to rest those phrases that will sabotage you. You are far more deserving and your talents are more real than the charges you receive.
4) Then, you have to GET INFORMED. The proximity of a manipulator causes confusion in the victims and the bystanders, who do not understand what is going on and which side is really wrong. To get out of this state and regain a realistic sense of the situation, especially to understand the truth of things and redistribute responsibilities fairly (exonerating yourself and giving the necessary responsibility to those who are destroying your life), you have to read specialized works on abuse and, in particular, on difficult personalities and manipulators. The best, unsurpassed ones are the three books by Isabelle Nazare Aga, but good ideas may be found in other volumes on domestic abuse, mobbing, violence and so on. Become aware of the truth: KNOW THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE (cfr. John 8,32)
3) As a result, DELETE FROM YOUR MIND AUTOMATIC NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. We all made negative experiences, especially in childhood, which led us to the repression, the contempt of ourselves, to inhibition. It may happen that, in harsh moments, bad phrases heard re-emerge in our mind like a lightning ("You're a fool", "You don't understand anything," etc.): especially those heard from parents and educators leave a strong impression. Well, these statements are false. They are false because they are expressed in black and white, without appeal. Everyone has moments, often many, when he /she demonstrates intelligence, ability, qualities of various kinds: thus, put to rest those phrases that will sabotage you. You are far more deserving and your talents are more real than the charges you receive.
4) Then, you have to GET INFORMED. The proximity of a manipulator causes confusion in the victims and the bystanders, who do not understand what is going on and which side is really wrong. To get out of this state and regain a realistic sense of the situation, especially to understand the truth of things and redistribute responsibilities fairly (exonerating yourself and giving the necessary responsibility to those who are destroying your life), you have to read specialized works on abuse and, in particular, on difficult personalities and manipulators. The best, unsurpassed ones are the three books by Isabelle Nazare Aga, but good ideas may be found in other volumes on domestic abuse, mobbing, violence and so on. Become aware of the truth: KNOW THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE (cfr. John 8,32)
5) DO NOT QUARREL WITH A MANIPULATOR: this is likely to destroy you. From every row, you will go out with an increased sense of guilt, then with an even more damaged self-esteem: while he (or she), like a vampire, will be litterally fed by your blood, that is, your energy, without being affected by remorse, indeed, projecting all blame on you (among other things, disputes with a manipulator go out of control and are exhausting). Learn instead COUNTER-MANIPULATION. It is a communicative tactic, very well explained by Dr. Nazare-Aga, showing you don't care of that worm in front of you, but WITH CALM AND ELEGANCE. Only this can really trim down M.'s oversized ego. Counter-manipulation, in essence, is "sending back the ball." Dr. Nazare-Aga lists some typical responses of counter-manipulation:"It could be"; "It's possible"; "It's your own opinion"; "Don't worry about me" and so on. In general, they are short phrases (which dismiss M. quickly), generic, vague, often dipped in humor, normally polite and detached, without aggression, either justifications. In short, they close the dialogue there, often with fine irony and self-irony.
An example: imagine that a manipulative wife says to her husband: "That tie is a real horror!", to devalue him (since he bought it). He could answer, "Matter of taste" or "It's your own opinion." Or she could say: "You're an idiot!" and he could reply: "Maybe". As you can see, the victim does nothing wrong, but responds in a way that lets manipulator's insults slide away like water on the feathers of a duck (it's a French saying). YOU ARE NOBLER THAN YOUR mobber.
6) I also strongly advise to NOT COMMIT ANYTHING BAD AGAINST M. (although the temptation is strong ...): apart from the obvious ethical issues, you would not do anything but hurting yourself. For example, never lie: you have the opportunity, a perfectly legitimate one, to keep silent about some issues and protect your privacy, but don't lie: manipulators would notice very quickly (they're true mastiffs) and you will end up worse than before. Learn instead to carve out your space in a lawful, innocent, then unassailable way. Similarly, don't hurt M., treat him / her with respect (but keep M. at distance); if you are married to M. avoid to betray him or her, until you can build again a decent life; in short, avoid every negative action against the manipulator, which would end only to give "reason" to M., present him / her as the victim he /she is not, worsen your situation and further lower your self-esteem (to be continued).
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