Who are manipulators?
Let's see what is a manipulator. The word comes from the Latin manipulare, which means, simply, "to manipulate an object." It's clear that the root is the Latin manus, "hand". The fundamental point is that the manipulator uses others like objects: he/she is unable to place him/herself on the same level than others, but either below either (more often) above. He/she is a power freak, completely caught by his/her ego, at the expense of others. This concept comes from behaviorist psychology: namely the one studying human beings especially in terms of behavior. The great specialist of manipulators is the French psychologist and professor Isabelle Nazare-Aga who has devoted to the subject three fundamental books (listed below) and around whom in France a long series of studies and investigations flourished. We should dedicate a monument to her: by her practice and books she has literally saved the lives of many people. To me, discovering her studies in Switzerland ten years ago has transformed my life. Since then, I began to observe and categorize my experience on this issue: I definitely can not reach the expertise of Dr. Nazare-Aga (again: I'm not a psychologist), but with my insights, I can, I hope, do a good job of popularization, to the use of the victims of these individuals.
Let's see what is a manipulator. The word comes from the Latin manipulare, which means, simply, "to manipulate an object." It's clear that the root is the Latin manus, "hand". The fundamental point is that the manipulator uses others like objects: he/she is unable to place him/herself on the same level than others, but either below either (more often) above. He/she is a power freak, completely caught by his/her ego, at the expense of others. This concept comes from behaviorist psychology: namely the one studying human beings especially in terms of behavior. The great specialist of manipulators is the French psychologist and professor Isabelle Nazare-Aga who has devoted to the subject three fundamental books (listed below) and around whom in France a long series of studies and investigations flourished. We should dedicate a monument to her: by her practice and books she has literally saved the lives of many people. To me, discovering her studies in Switzerland ten years ago has transformed my life. Since then, I began to observe and categorize my experience on this issue: I definitely can not reach the expertise of Dr. Nazare-Aga (again: I'm not a psychologist), but with my insights, I can, I hope, do a good job of popularization, to the use of the victims of these individuals.
Dr. Nazare-Aga, on the ground of the experience of her patients, has classified the following 30 characteristics of manipulators, that I report here in the order given by her (with some slight change in language for the sake of clarity): a manipulator must have at least 14 of them and in a systematic manner (not occasionally). He / she:1. Blames others, in the name of family, friendship, love, professional conscience etc.2. Downloads his / her responsibility on others, or he/she avoids them.3. Does not communicates clearly questions, needs, feelings or opinions.4. Often responds vaguely.5. Changes his/her opinions, behaviors, according to people or situations.6. Call upon logical reasons to cover his /her questions.7. Makes others believe they must be perfect, never change their mind, know everything and immediately reply to questions and requests.8. Questions others' qualities, competence, personality: he / she criticizes without seeming to, devalues and judges.9. Notifies indirectly, through intermediaries (like through writing).10. Sows discord and creates suspicion, divides to reign better and can cause the rupture of a couple.11. Plays the victim to be pitied (by exaggerated illness, hard entourage, overwork etc.).12. Ignores the questions and needs of others (although he / she says to deal with).13. Takes advantage of the morals of others for his /her own selfish needs (notions of humanity, charity etc.).14. Threats by a veiled blackmail or blackmails openly.15. Changes the subject abruptly during the conversation.16. Avoids confrontation or meetings.17. Takes advantage of others' ignorance and lets believe to his / her superiority.18. Lies.19. Preaches the false to know the truth, distorts and misinterprets.20. Is self-centered.21. May be jealous.22. Does not stand criticism and denies the evidence.23. Does not take into account the rights, needs and desires of others.24. Often asks for things at the very last minute.25. His / her speech seems logical and consistent, when his /her thoughts and acts, or way of life are the opposite.26. Uses flattery, makes gifts or pleases us (but in a false way and out of selfish purposes).27. Produces around him/herself an ill feeling of unfreedom, as if you were trapped.28. Is efficient to achieve his/her goals, but at the expense of others.29. Makes us do things that we probably would not have made out of our own free will.30. Is constantly the subject of discussion among people who know him /her, even when he/she is not there.
Remember: a manipulator must have at least 14 of these characteristics. If you recognize your behavior in 4 or 5, you are not manipulative, but you can correct yourself.
The list of Dr. Nazare-Aga has only one flaw: it does not proceed in order. It is the fruit of her therapeutic experience and dialogue with patients, then arose from occasions: in my humble opinion (it is not a criticism: it is an observation), the list includes aspects of different level, without ranking them. Some are general traits (such as lying), causing bunches of other behaviors; others are special features resulting from general ones (even from more than one). Finally, I fear that something lacks (the author herself goes on to produce new material in her new books).
The list of Dr. Nazare-Aga has only one flaw: it does not proceed in order. It is the fruit of her therapeutic experience and dialogue with patients, then arose from occasions: in my humble opinion (it is not a criticism: it is an observation), the list includes aspects of different level, without ranking them. Some are general traits (such as lying), causing bunches of other behaviors; others are special features resulting from general ones (even from more than one). Finally, I fear that something lacks (the author herself goes on to produce new material in her new books).
So, with my remarks I proceeded to put in order the whole, by comparing it with the description of the borderline personality, upon advice from my friend, psychologist Sara Nalli (whom I thank here wholeheartedly); however, the fruit of my observations is my sole responsibility; moreover, I am not able to assert that manipulators and borderline personalities coincide, indeed; in my experience, though, many manipulators have also some borderline features (such as psycho-rigidity, lack of self-control and more). Basically, I have rearranged the features mentioned above, according to the fields of human behavior, which should let you better understand what Dr. Nazare-Aga meant with her own list. I also introduce connections among the various sides of the human personality, in order to clarify the concepts in a "three-dimensional" way. Do not worry if everything seems too concise: little by little, I will address each aspect in more detail. Finally, I introduce in my list the corresponding characteristics by the specialist as well, indicated by number: also in this case, it is difficult that a manipulator has all of these traits, but half is more than enough to put you in an alarm state, because at that point, the whole personality of the "suspect" is compromised.
Self -esteem (relationship with oneself)M. has a very low self-esteem, so he /she tends to put in place inappropriate behaviors to raise it up ... to the detriment of others.
· Denial of their faults and limits (22).
· Boasting and arrogance (exaggerated and, not infrequently, unjustified; this largely corresponds to 17, but also to the ill egocentrism of 20).
· Projections (the subject "projects" - throws - his / her responsibility or blame on others: this corresponds in part to 1, but the situation is more complex: projections are a consequence of the denial of one's own faults, then go to 22).
· Playing the victim (M. complains in an unacceptable and excessive way, to appear a victim: 11).
· Denial of their faults and limits (22).
· Boasting and arrogance (exaggerated and, not infrequently, unjustified; this largely corresponds to 17, but also to the ill egocentrism of 20).
· Projections (the subject "projects" - throws - his / her responsibility or blame on others: this corresponds in part to 1, but the situation is more complex: projections are a consequence of the denial of one's own faults, then go to 22).
· Playing the victim (M. complains in an unacceptable and excessive way, to appear a victim: 11).
Thought
M. reasons roughly, in black and white, hence a great deal of confusion in what he /she says, and, above all, the fact that his /her thoughts and speeches do not conform to reality, but always seem out of place even when they follow a seemingly impeccable logic. Warning: manipulators do not lack intelligence, indeed they often enchant others with their own. But they use it for their own selfish purposes.
· Psycho - rigidity (M sees things in black and white, hence - and from the lack of respect - 7).
· Confusion.
· Out of - context (M fails to insert his /her behavior or what he / she thinks and says in the surrounding context; thus, he /she makes others feel uncomfortable).
· Pathological pessimism, paranoia (19).
- Formalism (M. considers the form, not the essence).
Communication
You will notice that the wrong message is the result of M.'s psycho - rigidity, disrespect for others and inconsistency: that is M. goes from one extreme to another.· Absent listening (23; 12, but this must be understood in a wider way and comprehends various behaviors).· Failure to present their own ideas and needs (the subject does not have enough self-esteem to express them clearly); from here, a vague and confusing communication (3 and 4).· Indirect communication (through a third person, not face-to-face: 9; therefore M. avoids confrontation - 16 - and asks things at the very last minute - 24).· In contrast, and in a totally incoherent way, M. can express categorically (black and white, in fact, when he / she feels"strong": here we can remember 1, 7 and 8, but even more).· Lies (18; but a particular use of lies is 19).· Flattery (26).· The flip side of flattery: contempt and devaluation of others (1, 8 etc.).· I would add: M. foments continuous quarrels, and his / her rows drive you literally crazy.
Action
In everyday's life, the manipulator is especially directed by incoherence, from attitudes of pathological laziness (he /she often proves to be incompetent, in spite of some knowledge) to pure despotism. Lack of respect for others and violence, however, are the most characteristic features.
· Irresponsibility (M. ignores his / her responsibilities: 2).
· Inconsistency (5, 15 and 25: inconsistency is provoked by the psycho-rigidity above).
· Control (this, such as the feature below, is mostly present in manipulators tending to control, who are the worst).
· Obsessive features (see above).
· Violence, disrespect, despotism (two facets of this are numbered at 14 and 24 and maybe even 29 fits, but the concepts are actually much broader).
With others
At the risk of repeating myself, I adfirm that, in relation to others, manipulators are disrespectful, violent (psychologically, but also physically), selfish.
· Selfishness (extension of 20; consider also 28).
· They use the others unscrupulously for their own ends (6;13).
- Lack of respect, contempt for others (8; 20, but the forms of disrespect, as mentioned above, are numerous).
· Blaming (M tends to make others feel guilty to maneuver them: 1).
· Jealousy (pathological jealousy is the result of his / her lack of self-esteem, so that M. always fears comparisons with others: 21).
· They sow discord and strife (dividing to reign better and control others: 10).
At the risk of repeating myself, I adfirm that, in relation to others, manipulators are disrespectful, violent (psychologically, but also physically), selfish.
· Selfishness (extension of 20; consider also 28).
· They use the others unscrupulously for their own ends (6;13).
- Lack of respect, contempt for others (8; 20, but the forms of disrespect, as mentioned above, are numerous).
· Blaming (M tends to make others feel guilty to maneuver them: 1).
· Jealousy (pathological jealousy is the result of his / her lack of self-esteem, so that M. always fears comparisons with others: 21).
· They sow discord and strife (dividing to reign better and control others: 10).
Self-control
From the profile of the borderline personality I have also added the trends related to the lack of self-control, which, in my opinion, are very frequent in manipulators; self-control is indeed a very complex human faculty and the result of great maturity: needless to say, these walking disasters do not have it.
· Poor self-control, tendency to addictions and excesses.
· Conversely, excessive rigidity, poor spontaneity (effect of the psycho-rigidity above).
· Poor enjoyment of healthy pleasures of life (M. will not let go him / herself because he / she is too harsh, or, alternatively, lets go too much; he / she alternates rigidity and excesses, without harmony and so, again, inconsistently): for example, on the sexual level female manipulators are often frigid, males literally perverse.
From the profile of the borderline personality I have also added the trends related to the lack of self-control, which, in my opinion, are very frequent in manipulators; self-control is indeed a very complex human faculty and the result of great maturity: needless to say, these walking disasters do not have it.
· Poor self-control, tendency to addictions and excesses.
· Conversely, excessive rigidity, poor spontaneity (effect of the psycho-rigidity above).
· Poor enjoyment of healthy pleasures of life (M. will not let go him / herself because he / she is too harsh, or, alternatively, lets go too much; he / she alternates rigidity and excesses, without harmony and so, again, inconsistently): for example, on the sexual level female manipulators are often frigid, males literally perverse.
A last observation. Living next to a manipulator produces a feeling of lack of freedom as if you were in prison (no, you are in prison!): this is 27. On the other hand, 30 (always speaking of them) is not a real feature of character, but the effect of their behavior: those who feel trapped because of them, are literally "invaded" by them, so that, even in their absence, manipulators dominate the scene and their victims. They are real psychological black holesDr.Nazare-Aga lists various types of manipulators: the deceiver, the false "nice" one, the falsely altruistic one, the complexed, the control freak etc. However, I believe that the features of my list (as well as of hers) are present almost transversely in all, although in different proportions. There is also a different graduation of responsibility, of severity, ranging from the spoiled, selfish, self-centered teenager and the intrusive mother-in-law, up, very far, to stalkers, rapists, serial-killers and dictators; but the mechanisms, although in different proportions, are the same.Some of you will ask, but are manipulators responsible for what they do? The answer varies. Some are and they are the worst, the most perverse; others, whose behavior is usually a result of a defense mechanisms set in childhood, not infrequently due to traumatic events, perhaps are not, or not completely. But my experience tells me that many of them are at least partially aware of what they do. They are dangerous. Learn to protect yourself from them, for your own good (posts will follow on how to defend ourselves and further reading).Bibliography
Important: unfortunately, an English traslation of Mrs.Nazare-Aga's works does not exist yet. On the Internet there are just summaries in English of the French original version.
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