Who are manipulators? General introduction.

Who are manipulators? General introduction

Have you ever dealt with people who, invariably, made you feel uneasy? The colleague, classmate, boss, partner, parent, relative in whose presence you regularly felt inadequate, if not rejected, humiliated and vilified? Or with whom there is no way to not quarrel, despite any effort of yours? The person, even very close to you, with whom, without understanding why, you feel uncomfortable, if not very bad? The person that creates a vacuum around you, inspiring a negative atmosphere like a poisonous cloud and seeing evil everywhere?

I could go on indefinitely, but, if any of the situations mentioned above, has lit a red light in your memory, well, it's likely you had to deal with a manipulator: that is with the harshest personality ever described in psychology textbooks and who has the effect of a flame thrower on those near to her/him: where they pass, they scorch earth. Such characters cause a real devastation, and yet, strangely, they receive very little attention, sometimes even from psychologists (in a later part, I will explain why): so, too many can continue causing their damage with impunity, while their victims are literally risking their life.

The book Manipulators are among us, by French psychologist Isabelle Nazare - Aga, is the best dissertation on the issue of manipulators. This is the cover of the Italian version, but, unfortunately, an English traslation does not exist yet (incredibly enough: but this is ulterior proof that the issue is not adequately diffused).

I state I am NOT A PSYCHOLOGIST: I learned some basics on some psychological issues, because of my work as a teacher and, on this issue in particular, because of my experience. In fact, I survived, in order, some manipulators in my own family, then bullying, two cases of mobbing and a plethora of other difficult personalities in different contexts: therefore, I know the problem of psychological abuse, at every level, enough well, simply for the fact of having experienced it on my skin and, consequently, of getting information on the subject. Therefore, I point out that my dissertation cannot replace the advice of a specialist, a psychologist or a psychiatrist, but it is just an introduction to the problem: I decided to make available to my (small) public what I learned on my own skin, to SAVE and HELP those who should live or have lived such an experience. And I hope that many, but many victims of manipulators bump into my pages on the Internet.

In fact, the problem of manipulators constantly reappears, again and again, in many fields. Although not all phenomena of mobbing (abuse in the workplace, by bosses or colleagues, individually or in groups) and bullying (analogous phenomena in schools and among youths) may go back to manipulators, from what I've seen I do feel that this is quite common. If in a class there are some pre - manipulators (teenagers tending towards that behaviour: I cannot speak yet of made and finished  manipulators, given their age), it really shows up: relational problems, classmates who feel bad, chronic discontent by teachers, sense of impotence, with colleagues who talk for hours about the problems of the group (problems often tending to bullying) without finding a solution. The same happens in the case of mobbing: the most important Spanish specialist about the subject, Inaki Pinuel, adfirms that mobbing affects preferably the best ones (the most intelligent, the bravest, the kindest etc.) and that it is deployed by much worse people out of pure envy: I am afraid that manipulators frequently belong to the category of mobbers. Otherwise, poeple not usually considered as real manipulators are pulled, due to lack of moral consistency, stress or anything else, to a manipulative behaviour.

However, manipulators do the most serious damages (in tons) in families. I published on my blog several pages on love, written about the famous episode of Paolo and Francesca in Dante's Inferno, V; and I think that the great love actually exists. However, to safeguard our future and avoid big troubles, we must learn to recognize manipulators, because they can make the life of a person a living hell, especially in couples (not to mention the consequences on children born in those couples). This series on manipulators, then, comes from my great concern for family life: if we want healthy, happy families and couples, we must learn to avoid evil: either to do it, either to suffer it. In my Dante, the great love and the story of Paolo and Francesca, I have argued that true love can only exist if love is experienced ethically: recognizing inappropriate, if not evil, behaviour, is an inescapable step on this path, to help people to be happy.

On the other hand, recognizing manipulators also imposes a big responsibility. My friend Teresa, who had to deal with more than one of them, says she uses the books about this issue to improve her behaviour. That is, she is far from being a manipulator (she is very good), but in the lists we're going to read, she identifies the lines of correct conduct. Putting it simply, there are standards of proper behaviour to be observed in everyday's life: in communication, in relationship with others and with ourselves etc. True manipulators are a minority, but everyone has a few manipulative features, maybe slight ones. The more they are, the more cohabitation (of all kinds) becomes difficult. Each one of us has a responsibility to improve his / her behaviour, conforming to those standards, to live better and to not afflict others. It is an ethical ground, which, if observed, would improve the world a lot.

Moreover, I have observed that, beyond pathological personalities, entire systems or organizations can behave in a manipulative way. For example, dictatorships, or all totalitarian regimes; but manipulators can slip into normal governments, so that an honest work of improvement is always required (let's think, for example, of certain non - crystalline tactics used by media, or of dubious interests often merging in our Western countries). One area particularly affected by manipulation is religion, and certainly not because it might be "bad", on the contrary. The problem (with the exception of sects, where manipulative practices are usual) is that some poeple, to raise their sick ego, can exploit religion and turn it into a manipulative sense: it is the case of authoritarian forms of religion (in all versions of Christianity), when someone preaches more power and hatred than love and service; or, to not go too far, it is the case of pseudo-Muslim terrorist groups like the infamous IS. These organizations heavily manipulate young people and apply manipulative tactics against them, pushing them to act as suicide bombers. In my humble opinion, therefore, learning to recognize these behaviours can have a tremendous social utility. I hope that my words can cooperate to protect our young people, who are now the target of too many manipulations.

In conclusion: my discussion on manipulators is also part of my little, personal "war" anti - IS (and against all manipulators in general). Evil exists, guys, and we must learn to recognize it, to beat it. So: come on, down with manipulators and let's begin!